Jim’s Best Lines in Season 8

Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.

No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time.

No, of course we're not tourists. We're just people that aren't from here who are taking a tour.

Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.

Hey, quick question: Do you shower at night or in the morning? Cause I wanna shower when you're showering. Save some water.

Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, "For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?" and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something?

The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California... for the manager position. Who took one look around and left.  He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.   And he chose...

You watching that commercial again? Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry?

The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange.

K, Kevin, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?"

That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?

Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you...

Doesn't matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that's stupid.

There's this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there's an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a... phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it'll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.

I'm actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. I've only sold one copy.

Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?

Yeah, I had just told you about the day that I met the Blue Angels. I figured you had to top it.

Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy.

Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.

Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right?

No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.

I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.

Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye.

I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?