Dwight’s Best Lines in Season 8

P.S. We should should kill him.

Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman.

Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.

Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.

Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing.

Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go.

Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.

Yes, when he brushes your soft supple cheeks with his worn leathery hands and says "I'm gonna make you the seventh Mrs. Rosenblatt" unless you ring this bell. Ring it! Ring the bell. You wanna spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh? Do you? Ring it! Wha-, oh. What was that?

Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot.

I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.

No, sit down. "Seasonal." Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. Thank you. Oh, God. Next slide.

I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter.

Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.

It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male.

Thank you. Wow, I can't tell you what an honor it is to support this thing... And obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever. But, I want to ask you something: when did it become all about the money. when did it become about the flower arrangements, and the white wine spritser, hmm? and all the dinner rolls. you people should be ashamed of yourselves! How many courses did we have tonight, two? Three maybe, if you choose the pudding? I mean what waste! these tables tarted up like Victorian whores! lets' remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is. Not any of this. So that is going to be my donation to you. Thank you and good night!

Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.

I know what you'd do with all that money. "Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug."

Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.

No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!

Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it's still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?

Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly.

No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike.

Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.

They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?