Andy’s Best Lines in Season 8

I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!

First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

When I was a salesman I could just be like "Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob." Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.

Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause......

Ooh I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very... Sari. Sixteen points.

Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work.

Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years....and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.

This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!

Invest in softer cotton, sir. OW! Oh! Oooh! oh, whoa!!

I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.

Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That's crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn't care less.

I've decided to pre-screen all the Halloween costumes this year. I have three simple rules - don't be offensive, don't be cliche, and don't take the first two rules too seriously.

Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us.

She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.

CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends.

Yeah, we're not going to the visitor center. We're not tourists.

Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip.

Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam.

Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay.

My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it.

You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.

Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper?

I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply!

Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that.

Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me.