Episode Transcript
The Incentive
The full episode script, divided by scene — every line from "The Incentive".
S08E02 · 290 lines · 3 clips
▶ Clips in this episode (3)
Andy Enforces an Office Speech Code
▶ Watch along →
Jim“Hey, so this isn't matching up with this...and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?”
Kevin“Yes. Me do.”
Jim“Alright.”
Kevin Speaks In Caveman Sentences
▶ Watch along →Jim“Hey Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?”
Kevin“Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.”
Pam“Kevin, do you feel OK?”
Kevin“Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.”
Pam“Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.”
Jim“Yeah, alright Kev why don't you come with us?”
Oscar“No, guys.”
Angela“No, he's fine.”
Oscar“He's fine.”
Angela“He's always been like that.”
Pam“No he hasn't.”
Angela“I mean, he's gotten worse over the years....”
Oscar“He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.”
Kevin“You keep think that.”
Kevin Explains Mechanic Communication Method
► Watch on Prime ↗Kevin“Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say "car no go", and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?”
Andy Enforces Office Speech Code
▶ Watch along →
Andy“Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.”
Kevin“Thank.”
Andy“Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is...basically the speech equivalent... to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use...but need need for talk talk.”
Kevin“But save time. More success.”
Jim“Does it save time though? ‘Cause we've been here for about an hour.”
Kevin“No me fault.”
Pam“Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.”
Kevin“Many small time make big time.”
Andy“What are you gonna do with all this time?”
Kevin“See world.”
Pam“Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.”
Jim“K, Kevin, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?"”
Kevin“See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.”
Jim“No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.”
Kevin“Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.”
Kevin Dreams Of Presidential Power
► Watch on Prime ↗Kevin“When me President, they see. They see.”
Dwight Presents Sabre Pyramid Tablet
► Watch on Prime ↗
Dwight“This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet....the Pyramid.”
Phyllis“Ooh, why is it shaped like that?”
Dwight“So, you can tell your clients: "Unleash the power of the pyramid."”
Pam“It's huge. How much does it weigh?”
Dwight“Oh no no no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.”
Ryan“How much memory does it have without the booster?”
Dwight“Fifty L.”
Ryan“I'm sorry," L"?”
Jim“How many L to a K?”
Dwight“You're really going to want the booster.”
Stanley“How on earth are we supposed to sell...?”
Jim“I'll take five.”
Phyllis“Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing.”
Andy“Oh, no no no no no. This is Dwight's meeting.”
Dwight“Thank you.”
Andy“I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties...and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? What do you think, C-SPAN?”
Oscar“..."C-SPAN"?”
Andy“Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause......”
Dwight“Is this really the best use of our collective time?”
Andy“I am still forming a first impression with Robert. Once it is formed, we can all relax. Ok, I'm sorry to hijack your meeting , D dub dog...had to pull rank.”
Dwight“OK, let's look at some ties.”
Dwight Plans To Stop Caring
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.”
Darryl's Ex-Wife Justine Arrives
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.”
Erin“Um, D-Dog, you have a message.”
Pam“Erin, you don't need to call him that.”
Erin“Andy wants us to, P-Dog.”
Darryl“It's ok E-Dog, just who called?”
Erin“Justine. She said she's coming by later.”
Jim“Your ex-wife?”
Kevin“Wait, I thought she was a cunt and you fucking hated her guts?”
Darryl“No no no no. I like her.”
Kevin“Well I'm just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman.”
Darryl“Nah man, we get along now. Real well.”
Jim“Wow. Alright. Can't wait to meet her.”
Darryl“I'll introduce you.”
Darryl Sings About Intimate Evening
► Watch on Prime ↗Darryl“Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex wife last night.... I have to sing it. We took a shower, we were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.”
Robert California Visits The Office
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Hi Dad!...... Ahhh....oh boy.”
Robert“Hello, Andy. Excellent tie.”
Erin“Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?”
Robert“I'd love some coffee.”
Robert Questions Andy's Leadership Skills
► Watch on Prime ↗Robert“I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.”
Andy“Are you factoring in the... whole national ...economy.... declining and all that?”
Robert“Andy, do you know why I chose you?”
Andy“I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor....vanilla?”
Robert“Vanilla? No no no no. You'll never guess in a million billion years you'll never guess.”
Andy“You were saying you chose me.... There was a reason?”
Robert“Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set?”
Andy Doubts His Own Abilities
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Can I inspire? I don't know!.....I don't know.”
Erin Serves Robert Cold Coffee
► Watch on Prime ↗Robert“Oh! Thank you. Uh....”
Erin“Oh, sorry.”
Robert“You can just put it down.”
Erin“Oh”
Robert“That is very cold.”
Erin“Yeah. It's old.”
Robert“Why would I.....?”
Erin“I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said "coffee"....”
Andy“Why don't we get Robert a nice hot fresh cup and I will have this.”
Erin“Andy, you don't want that.”
Andy“I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee. Mmm....”
Erin“Sorry.”
Robert“You like her.”
Andy“I do.”
Robert“She likes you.”
Andy“You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance....”
Robert“I'm afraid you've lost my interest.”
Robert Explains Personal Service Economy
▶ Watch along →Oscar“Let me call you back.”
Meredith“I gotta go.”
Robert“If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here?”
Robert: “Ah...”
Kevin“This is where we go”
Robert“Oh, you'd go someplace else. That's not it, that's not the answer.”
Kevin“It's a answer.”
Robert“It's a wrong answer.”
Kevin“There are no wrong answers.”
Robert“Take a look at where you are, where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at it's birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?”
Phyllis“Wait....they're terrified?”
Robert“Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them "you are welcome." Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.”
Andy“You got it.”
Robert“Double.”
Andy“Done.”
Robert“I'm not kidding.”
Andy“Neither am I, it's already done. Hah, I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.”
Robert“Double.”
Andy Holds Chaotic Sales Meeting
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“Hey.”
Andy“What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business...see how things are going? Ahem...”
Jim“Why don't you start?”
Andy“If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert...man. What a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling ...project going?”
Phyllis“Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button.”
Andy“OF course not. There's no magic button. You have to summon that.”
Stanley“If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You're not making any sense.”
Jim“He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?”
Andy“Dwight, anything?”
Dwight“We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.”
Andy“You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like, what would it be? Tuna.”
Jim“New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door...”
Andy“Fart..... good Sesh. That leg's asleep.”
Kevin Announces Justine's Arrival Loudly
► Watch on Prime ↗“Hello. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?”
Kevin“Don't! oh, you must think...I'm not. I'm using the fax, this isn't, no wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company. Right? There's usually an Erin here.”
“Ok....?”
Kevin“So...DARRYL! A GIRL!”
Darryl“rub a dub dub...I got scrubbed. ‘Sup, darlin'? Everybody, this is Justine. This is Jim and Oscar, everybody.”
Meredith“Hi.”
Kevin“Kevin.”
“Can we.... go some place private?”
Darryl“Follow me, I got a space. After you. I've been thinking about you all mornin'. I don't know what you did, I can barely walk today.”
Andy Seeks Dwight's Sales Advice
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“D-Bone. There you are.”
Dwight“Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie...? Lick the spoon?”
Andy“No, that's ok. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about...”
Dwight“Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.”
Andy“I know, right?”
Dwight“Right?”
Andy“Yeah...um, how is everything?”
Dwight“Good. Really really good.”
Andy“Must be a tough time to be a family farm.”
Dwight“Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.”
Andy“Oof. What are you gonna do about that?”
Dwight“I don't know, what do you mean?”
Andy“There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales...”
Dwight“You wanted the job, the job is yours. Just do the job! And I'll do mine..... walnuts?”
Kevin“No!”
Angela Invites Pam On Walks
► Watch on Prime ↗Angela“Have you seen this?”
Pam“Parenting? Yeah. This is Cici's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.”
Jim“She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces.”
Angela“Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?”
Pam“I flipped through it.”
Angela“So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?”
Pam“Of course.”
Jim“We know that.”
Pam“Yeah.”
Angela“I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?”
Pam“That sounds nice.”
Angela“Great.”
Jim“You have a walking buddy.”
Pam“I do.”
Andy Reveals Points Incentive System
▶ Watch along →Andy“Thanks for coming in guys.”
Phyllis“You don't have to thank us for coming in, it's our job.”
Andy“Well I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I'm gonna thank people.”
Meredith“What's with the blanket?”
Andy“This is what's under the blanket.”
Oscar“We don't get it.”
Andy“These are incentives. It's how we're gonna double growth. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves: "Well, how does this work?"”
Pam“Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.”
Andy“You're exactly right and you get a point.”
Pam“Oh.”
Ryan“Uh, is that a vibrator?”
Andy“Twenty points.”
Meredith“How does one get a point?”
Andy“I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.”
Kelly“Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.”
Andy“There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.”
Stanley“How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.”
Andy“I can't.”
Kelly“This point system is really insulting.”
Andy“Ooh I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very very... Sari. Sixteen points.”
Kelly“That's a tablecloth.”
Jim“What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?”
Andy“That's a crazy amount of points.”
Jim“But, what if?”
Andy“Well, what do you want?”
Jim“I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy.”
Andy“Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work.”
Jim“That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?”
Andy“I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!”
“Ooooh!”
Oscar“Really?”
Jim“Alright, alright. And you are totally serious?”
Andy“Swear to God, hope to die. Now let's get to work!”
Jim“Wait. You did say we could pool our points, right? In that case...let's get to work.”
Dwight“Yeah!”
Pam“Yeah! Whoo!”
Stanley Gets Excited About Work
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“I can have it to you by the beginning of next week. Alright? Thanks very much. Uh, Phyllis! Bracken Auto?”
Phyllis“Ask for Donald, Karen's bananas.”
Jim“Ok.”
Andy“T-bag bone...”
Jim“Andrew.”
Andy“Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?”
Jim“No, I didn't notice anything.”
Andy“Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years....and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.”
Stanley“You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!”
Jim“I don't know what to tell you, man.”
Andy“You think it has something to do with that incentive program?”
Jim“Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.”
Andy“Bah...I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.”
Jim“Nah, you definitely weren't kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in.”
Andy“Hundred and twenty points.”
Jim“Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though, I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though... Hey! Yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald...can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much.”
Pam“Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's?”
Erin“Yes!”
Jim“and I'm back. How are you sir?....I think we can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right?”
Pam“Where's Angela?”
Andy“Hey Kevin, what are you doing?”
Kevin“Don't talk to me!”
Andy Calls Management Book Author
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, Management. Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here...De-Incentivizing. What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale...uh why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations.”
Employees Design Tattoo Ideas
▶ Watch along →Andy“Took ‘em one day.”
Pam“Ready! "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!"”
Ryan“I like it, I like it!”
Pam“Do Not Resuscitate...”
Andy“OK, keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize and there are some great new additions. My car for a thousand points....or best offer.”
Phyllis“What else you got?”
Pam“Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea... So nasty Phyllis!”
Andy Gets a Butt Tattoo
▶ Watch along →Pam“We were hoping you could do something like this...”
“So, coming out of his butt is a...”
Pam“Baby.”
“Baby...”
Pam“Yes.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Andy“We should think about this...does anyone have any better ideas?”
Stanley“I like what we have.”
Meredith“Looks good.”
Erin“Yeah.”
Kevin“For sure.”
Andy“Just need a second outside.”
Jim Assures Andy About Expectations
▶ Watch along →Jim“Gettin' psyched up?”
Andy“Yeah.”
Jim“Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this...”
Andy“Tunes..what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? ....Confession: I don't know what I'm doing.”
Jim“I mean, do you like it? You having fun? Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun....and you did that.”
Andy“My ass is only so big, I mean I can't do this everyday.”
Jim“But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea....which, by the way, I can't wait for.”
Andy“No one expects me to go through with this, right?”
Jim“Absolutely not.”
Andy Prepares For Buttocks Tattoo
▶ Watch along →Andy“Let's ink...my stink!”
Andy Declares Heart And Devotion
▶ Watch along →Andy“My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.”
Tattoo Artist Begins Andy's Tattoo
▶ Watch along →“Whoa!”
Andy“Do your worst!”
“Uh, you can keep your pants on actually...if just drop ‘em down a bit, that'd be great.”
Andy“They are already off, my good sir.”
“I'd really prefer they not be down.”
Andy“Well, I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.”
Pam“Do you think you could work from this? we made some small adjustments.”
“OK, you want me to...”
Pam“Just a few adjustments”
“Alright, let's begin.”
Andy“This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!”
“That was just the cotton swab.”
Andy“Invest in softer cotton, sir. OW! Oh! Oooh! oh, whoa!!”
Dwight Anticipates The Ass Tattoo
▶ Watch along →Dwight“Obviously you can go the ass tattoo route and obviously, I'm gonna like it.”
Dwight Cheers During Tattooing Process
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“DRAW SOME BLOOD!”
Andy“AHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Robert Reflects On Andy's Leadership
▶ Watch along →Robert“Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.”
Andy Loves His New Tattoo
▶ Watch along →Andy“It's a Nard Dog! That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!”
Jim“Pull up your pants.”
Robert Discusses Underdog Inspiration
▶ Watch along →Robert“There's something about an underdog that really inspires...the unexceptional.”
Angela And Pam Argue About Pregnancy
► Watch on Prime ↗Pam“Um, what should we talk about?”
Angela“Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.”
Pam“Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.”
Angela“A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it.”
Pam“Angela, that's pretty transparently me.”
Angela“Maybe.”
Pam“You know it's just herbal tea.”
Angela“In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!”
Pam“Yeah. I think you should call social services.”
Angela“I already did.”
Pam“You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we're in this together.”
Angela“Fine.”
Pam“Fine.”