Episode Transcript
Mrs. California
The full episode script, divided by scene — every line from "Mrs. California".
S08E09 · 278 lines · 3 clips
▶ Clips in this episode (3)
Dwight Comments On Hair Loss
▶ Watch along →
Dwight“Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.”
Dwight Promotes Standing Desk
▶ Watch along →Dwight“Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.”
Office Debates Standing Position
▶ Watch along →Dwight“Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.”
Creed“No. No. No. You're way off on that one.”
Dwight“Oh yeah?”
Oscar“Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.”
Jim“Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right?”
Dwight“That's right Jim.”
Dwight Caught Sitting Down
▶ Watch along →
Darryl“Hey man.”
Dwight“Hey.”
Darryl“Taking a load off huh?”
Dwight“No. Putting a load on more like it.”
Darryl“Good luck with that.”
Dwight“Last thing I need is luck.”
Jim Pranks Standing Dwight
▶ Watch along →Dwight“Thank you so much.”
Jim“What are you up to? Oops look out!”
Dwight“What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!”
Jim“Prank!”
Dwight“Oh that's real creative.”
Jim“You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?”
Dwight“I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.”
Jim“Because you're sitting?”
Dwight“Standing.”
Jim“Ok.”
Dwight“Don't!”
Jim“Because you're sitting?”
Dwight“Standing.”
Jim“You know I have to do this.”
Dwight“I know.”
Andy Fills Out Forms
▶ Watch along →
Andy“Andrew... Baines... Bernard.”
Jim“I think you could just do Andy Bernard.”
Andy“Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers.”
Robert“In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?”
Andy“What was that?”
Jim“I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife.”
Robert Introduces Wife Susan
▶ Watch along →
Ryan“That's why my foundation – The Dream for a Wish Foundation – is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them.”
Robert“Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.”
“Hello. Oh call me Susan please.”
Robert“Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.”
“Hello nice to meet you.”
Andy“Hey there. It's a pleasure.”
Robert“Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine.”
Andy“I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up.”
Robert“Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk.”
Andy“Alright.”
Dwight Opens Gym For Muscles
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.”
Darryl“You don't have to say it if you're doing it.”
Dwight“Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?”
Darryl“Uh weight lifting yeah.”
Dwight“Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?”
Darryl“I'll take a look.”
Dwight“Your path from obesity begins right here!”
Darryl Dreams Of Diverse Presidents
► Watch on Prime ↗Darryl“I've been meaning to join a gym. For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.”
Dwight Explains Gym Business Plan
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.”
Susan Mistakes Ryan's Name
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.”
“Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.”
Ryan“Actually Ryan.”
“Oh, Ryan.”
Ryan Calls Susan Disparaging Name
► Watch on Prime ↗Ryan“Bitttch!”
Susan Tours Office With Andy
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“We will start here at Erinville.”
“Hi.”
Erin“Hoo-hoo!”
Andy“Reception. Your classic one-man operation.”
Erin“Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.”
Andy“I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.”
Robert“Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy?”
Andy“I'll explore exploring it.”
Robert“Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.”
Andy“Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. Alright have at it. Let ‘er rip. What do you hate about this place?”
Jim“Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.”
Dwight“Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.”
Andy“Jim?”
Jim“Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult.”
Dwight“It's the second easiest job in the world. Being a mom.”
“I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.”
Dwight“That is true.”
Andy“You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.”
Dwight“That's me.”
Andy“Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.”
Dwight“Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale .”
“Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings .”
Andy Struggles With Susan
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Oh how am I supposed to pull this off? . The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.”
Darryl Rejects Dwight's Gym
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Ready? What do you think?”
Darryl“Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.”
Dwight“You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station . You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month...”
Darryl“Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.”
Dwight“Darryl...”
Darryl“Make a real gym.”
Robert Forces Andy To Hire
▶ Watch along →“I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.”
Andy“But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.”
“Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.”
Andy“Those are fully staffed as well.”
Robert“Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?”
Andy“Yes.”
Robert“I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.”
Andy“Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-”
“Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go.”
Robert“No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.”
Andy“There are lots of considerations.”
Robert“I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.”
Andy“Alright. Well then welcome aboard.”
Andy Takes Robert's Call
▶ Watch along →“So what happens next?”
Andy“We get you over to HR and then we get you set up with accounting. Hang on. Hello?”
Robert“Say hello grandma.”
Andy“Hi gam-gam.”
Robert“Hold one finger up to Susan. You'll just be a second. You numbskull. You were given a very simple task. I could not have been more clear with you. Now say, "are you taking your medicine?"”
Andy“Are you taking your med-meds?”
Robert“Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this. Undo it.”
“You didn't say goodbye to your grandma.”
Andy“We promised we'd never say goodbye.”
Dwight Recruits Gym Members
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“Attention! I am now accepting memberships for Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. The first 20 members can take advantage of the pay what you weigh promotion.”
Oscar“All I need is another gym. As if I don't have enough drama.”
Phyllis“We have a gym at home. It's called the bedroom.”
Oscar“Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner. That's Bruce's. Jeremy says...”
Angela“Enough Oscar, enough.”
Dwight“Kelly?”
Kelly“I have these new sneakers which are basically like a gym for your feet.”
Dwight's Strategy For Business
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“That's okay. I know how to build a business. You gotta get the black people to do it to get the white people to do it. Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it. One step at a time.”
Andy Orders Office To Sabotage
► Watch on Prime ↗
Toby“Did you bring your passport with you?”
“Who walks around with their passport?”
Toby“Well, I do. Always ready for adventure.”
“Have you had any?”
Toby“No.”
Andy“Hey, uh, guys. So Robert doesn't want his wife working here. So now that she is, we have to drive her away.”
Oscar“Andy, if he didn't want her working here then why did you hire her?”
“it was a mistake. But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.”
Kevin“How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.”
Angela“This is all pathetic.”
Andy“I am not asking, I am ordering.”
Oscar“How mean are we talking about?”
Andy“It would be great if she were gone by lunch. Erin, you're up. Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.”
Erin“Got it. I know exactly which stapler to give her.”
Susan Gets Uncomfortable Workspace
► Watch on Prime ↗Erin“Here you go.”
“Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped and I don't have a computer.”
Erin“Well that's a sales desk.”
Kevin“Yeah. You need to be over here with us accountants. Just sit here and be quiet. And if you have a question, just raise your hand. But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now. I. Don't. Know.”
Jim Suggests Letting Workplace Win
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant. I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself. I mean, it knows what it's doing.”
Oscar Shows Off Tiny Dog
► Watch on Prime ↗Oscar“That's Gerald.”
Jim“Oh, wow. So cute.”
“Oh, that is so cute-”
Phyllis“Aw... He's so tiny. Is he in a ladle?”
Oscar“Yeah, he's in a ladle.”
Erin“That's adorable. How on earth did you get him in a ladle?”
Oscar“He did it himself.”
Phyllis“Is that ladle stainless or...”
Oscar“Oh, stainless. Williams Sonoma.”
“Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup.”
Oscar“It's not that kind of ladle.”
Jim“Very cute.”
“Aw, let me see-”
Oscar“Ah, just the battery on these things. I'm sorry, I've got to recharge this.”
Susan Recognizes Workplace Dynamics
► Watch on Prime ↗“I get it. Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife. Of course, she was married to Robert.”
Susan Confronts Andy About Husband
► Watch on Prime ↗“Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.”
Robert“Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.”
Andy“What is going on?”
Robert“Please. Andrew, my wife... has brought up an issue that requires your attention. So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.”
Andy“Okey-dokey, artichokey. You hate it, don't you?”
“Do you not want me here?”
Andy“Why would you say that?”
“It's okay. I understand. I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.”
Andy“It's not that, exactly.”
“But it is something.”
Andy“Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.”
“Why would you not want me working here?”
Andy“I don't know.”
“I think I understand what you're going through. My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he?”
Andy“Yes! The dude is an enigma.”
“Mm-hmm. So he is mixed up in this, isn't he?”
Andy“Ah...”
“Got it.”
Dwight Criticizes Darryl's Workout
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“What do you think you're doing?”
Darryl“Getting my sweat on.”
Dwight“I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds?”
Darryl“I just did, like, 35 minutes on the treadmill.”
Dwight“I was watching you. You want to know how long it really was?”
Darryl“No.”
Dwight“Eight minutes!”
Darryl“Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week, I figure I'll start slow.”
Dwight“Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James!”
Darryl“It's Lejon Brames.”
Dwight“That's what I said.”
Darryl“You know, get it right.”
Dwight“I know.”
Andy Reveals Robert's Secret Instructions
► Watch on Prime ↗Andy“Cameras...”
Robert“Oh, still here. Terrific.”
“Andy and I had a great conversation. And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.”
Robert“Well that's a shame.”
Andy“It just was one of those things-”
“Is it? Because we talked about it and it seems like that might be what you want. Which is fine.”
Robert“Where did this come from? Did Andy say that?”
“No, he did not, but I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.”
Robert“What's the struggle? He made a great call, hired a great person.”
“You sure about that?”
Robert“Absolutely.”
“No games?”
Robert“No games.”
“Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.”
Robert“Okay, enough of this. I mean, really, enough. It's gotten way out of hand. Andrew, this is my wife. Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for. But it is not welcome right now. Just be honest.”
“Andy?”
Andy“Yes?”
“Why do you keep looking at my husband?”
Robert“Andy, just answer the question.”
Andy“No games?”
Robert“No games.”
Andy“Okay. I mean, it was kind of funny, actually. Robert storms in and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen."”
Robert“You lying son of a bitch!”
Robert Demands Jim's Testimony
▶ Watch along →Robert“Tell my wife you're lying.”
Andy“I am lying. I am a compulsive liar.”
“That's not true, is it?”
Andy“No, it's not. I tell the truth most of the time and I was just telling the truth about your husband. Jim knows. He was there.”
Robert“This is preposterous.”
“Robert...”
Robert“Let's get Jim in here. Where's Jim?”
Erin“He just rolled out and crawled out.”
Robert“Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.”
Jim Tries To Escape Building
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“Oh wait, wait, wait! Hold on, hold on. I just need to get through. Just real quick. Real quick, open... uh, okay.”
Robert Searches For Jim
▶ Watch along →Robert“That's weird. Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.”
Creed Helps Jim Hide
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“Oh. Ow. Ow. Ow. Creed. I was never here, all right?”
Creed“Okay. What about your friend?”
Jim“Oh boy.”
Dwight Trains Darryl Aggressively
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“This is my gym, my rules. You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.”
Darryl“Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions and I might not do what you say.”
Dwight“First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl. Ready? Get down on the floor.”
Darryl“Okay, I'm not doing that.”
Dwight“Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl!”
Gabe“I didn't know Darryl joined.”
Darryl“Looks that way.”
Gabe“Nice pelvic bowl. Deep.”
Robert Confronts Jim Directly
► Watch on Prime ↗Robert“Hello Jim.”
Andy“No, no. No, no, no! Don't! Damn it, Tuna!”
Jim Gives Diplomatic Non Answer
► Watch on Prime ↗Robert“So I think you know what we want to know.”
Jim“Do I?”
Robert“Yes.”
Jim“I know, I do.”
Andy“Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.”
Jim“I really wish I could help. I'm not really sure how I can...”
“For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here?”
Jim“That's the thing. See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this. Still don't. But here's something: I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.”
Andy“I think we've got ourselves an answer.”
Robert“No.”
Andy“That makes complete sense. Thank you all for a wonderful day.”
Jim“Perfect!”
“Jim...”
Jim“Yes?”
“Answer the question, please.”
Jim“I don't know what you want me to tell you. To be really honest, my wife works here. And I love it. She literally makes me work harder. She makes me smarter. She makes me remember why I'm here. And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face. I would love it. I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.”
Robert“All right. Thanks.”
Jim“Yes. All right. Great.”
Andy“Uh...”
Robert“Yeah.”
Andy“Yep.”
Susan Thanks Robert Quietly
► Watch on Prime ↗“Thank you.”
Robert“Heh.”
Susan Flirts With Andy
► Watch on Prime ↗“Andy.”
Andy“Hey, Mrs. California.”
“Hey. Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.”
Andy“You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there. Except for him. Especially me.”
“Yeah, I thought we really hit it off.”
Andy“Yeah.”
“Well, different circumstances.”
Andy“Yeah.”
“Who knows?”
Andy“Who knows?”
“Maybe after all this settles down...”
Andy“Totally.”
“It's a date.”
Andy“Hmm?”
Dwight Motivates Darryl For Val
► Watch on Prime ↗Dwight“You're nothing! You're so weak, you call yourself a man? Huh?”
Darryl“This doesn't help me. I don't respond to that kind of strategy.”
Dwight“Okay, fine. Finish your set on your own and never come back to my gym again!”
Darryl“Dwight, come back and spot me.”
Dwight“All right, I'll help you. But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is. What do you want?”
Darryl“To push this bar up.”
Dwight“No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now. What is your goal?”
Darryl“Help me!”
Dwight“What do you want!?!”
Darryl“To look good for Val!”
Dwight“Val Kilmer? I don't buy it. That doesn't make any sense. Wow... I figured out your goal. I am going to make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.”