Episode Transcript
Threat Level Midnight
The full episode script, divided by scene — every line from "Threat Level Midnight".
S07E16 · 183 lines · 0 clips
Deleted & additional lines
“I got a delivery for ya'.”
Michael“Leave it at reception.”
“I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.”
Michael“Clean up on aisle five. : Midnight titlescreen appears]”
Michael: “After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of re-shooting and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level: Midnight.”
Michael: “Erin... what are you doing?”
Erin“Guys! Guys. Did you guys know that our own Michael Scott has made a movie, and that he maybe will let us watch it, but only if everybody's dying to see it.”
Michael“That's... That's. Well, don't put words in my mouth.”
Jim“Threat Level: Midnight is the great lost film of Michael Scott.”
Pam“We're all in it, from like years and years ago. It's like a home movie.”
Jim“Yeah, if Michael Scott did your home movie!”
Pam“Michael screened a work in progress for us, years ago, and it didn't go well. We thought it was a comedy. Everything pointed to it being a comedy.”
Pam: “We'd love to see it!”
Michael“Sweet, I will go invite Holly.”
Pam“Okay everyone, I know we're really excited to see this movie that everybody's in, but we have to remember that Michael is sensitive, so let's stay positive! And no laughing, no comments, just positive energy and we'll have a pure fun day! Okay?”
Creed“Thanks mom.”
Holly“You never told me you made a movie.”
Michael“Mhmm! It's got action, it's got heart, it's got some bosom.”
Holly“It's got you.”
Michael“It's got a lot of me.”
Holly“I can't wait.”
Michael“Ladies and gentleman, Threat Level: Midnight.”
“Michael Scarn, well that's an interesting story. He was once the best secret agent in the business. That was years ago. Where is he now? Well, that's also an interesting story.”
“Master Scarn.”
Dwight“I play Samuel, Michael Scarn's robot butler. I wanted Samuel's voice- to be like this! But Michael thought that Samuel should be a very advance android, almost indistinguishable from a real person.”
Michael“Dwight does not play a robot.”
Michael: “I'm up.”
“It's the president. He needs you for a mission.”
Michael“Tell him I'm retired.”
Dwight“It's Goldenface.”
Michael“Goldenface, this makes it personal.”
“Scarn, you're right on time.”
Darryl“I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it'd be good for my daughter to see a black man as president. Even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.”
“It's your old enemy, Goldenface. He's after the NHL All Star Game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one is personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.”
“We have to search the stadium.”
“Not so fast, Goldenface has taken all the concession stand workers hostage. Scarn, will you find these hostages, and save the game?”
Michael“Heads I do it, tails I don't. Best out of seven. Heads. Tails. ...Heads...Tails...Heads...Tails. Well, it looks like there's going to be a clean-up on aisle five.”
“Well, the hostages were scared.”
Kevin“Don't you guys get it? Nobody's coming for us.”
“Oh someone's coming alright, the only man who would care. Michael Scarn. See I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then... I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife, and I'm gonna hump her real good.”
Jim“I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.”
“Well, the All Star Game was three days away, so naturally it was all sold out. The only way Scarn was getting in was in a uniform. Just one problem with that, Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a Slim Jim. So he went to meet with the famed trainer... Cherokee Jack.”
“Mop the ice.”
Michael“I'm not here to learn how to mop, I'm here to learn how to play hockey.”
“Mop it. Now take this.”
Michael“What am I supposed to do with this?”
“Mop.”
“Well, Michael Scarn was quickly becoming one of the hottest hockey players in the country.”
Ryan“Each year, the National Hockey League selects one civilian amateur to play in the All Star Game. It's down to the three of you. The final test is speed skating. On your marks, get set...”
Michael Scarn Defeats Goldenface
► Watch on Prime ↗“Die!”
Michael“Nice try Goldenface, but you forgot one thing, to kill me.”
“I wasn't trying to kill you, I was trying to slow you down.”
Michael“No!”
“Oh by the way!”
Michael“Yeah?”
“How's your wife doing?”
Michael“Congratulations.”
Oscar“Hey, you came in second. Not bad either.”
Michael“I am sorry that I have to do this...”
Oscar“Huh...”
Michael“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.”
“I'm intercepting a name. Jasmine Winsong. She works for Goldenface. What I can't figure out is, who is the Funky Cat.”
Michael“Not who, what. The Funky Cat is the hippest Jazz Club in town.”
“Oh-”
Dwight“He cut the part where my circuit board malfunctioned! What was the point of spilling the drink on me?”
Jan“They call me Jasmine Winsong.”
Michael“Bingo.”
Jan“He finished his movie? No kidding. Wow, that's great. Yeah that's good for him.”
Jan: “The hostages are under the stadium.”
Michael“Jack Blaise.”
Pam“You have to let us go Goldenface! We have families!”
“Ha! This is gonna show them that I mean business. See ya!”
Michael“By far and away, the most expensive shot in the movie. But, it was integral to the story.”
“Ha!”
Kevin“Michael Scarn!”
“Sorry about your friend, Scarn!”
Michael“The joke's on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.”
“We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?”
“Hm?”
“We've searched the whole building, Goldenface, where is the bomb?”
“Hm?”
“We've searched the wh- ok...”
Michael“He said, where is the bomb?”
“In the puck!”
Michael“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I'm going to kill you. Unless! You forgive me for murdering your wife.”
Michael“Hey Goldenface.”
“Yeah?”
Michael“Go puck yourself!”
“Noooo!”
Michael“That was not scripted.”
Michael: “More Tylenol.”
“You've already had four.”
Pam“Looking at her mother on screen, horrified] Oh God... So good.”
“You're lucky to be alive.”
Michael“It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back, and balls to kill Michael Scarn.”
“Let's just make sure that everything's... Working properly...”
“You just said the bomb... is in the puck?”
“Yes.”
Deleted & additional lines
“Is that where you hid the bomb Goldenface?”
“But why would you blow up the stadium? You OWN the stadium!”
Michael“For the insurance money! I knew it all along! You will never get away with this!”
Michael: “Where had I gone wrong? All I wanted was to start a family with my beautiful wife. But somewhere along the way, things got messed up.”
“It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he had lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't of course, He just wasn't using it right now.”
Michael“Beer me Billy.”
“You don't looks so good, what's got ya down?”
Michael“I got problems Billy. Big problems...”
“You got problems?! My TV don't work! I pay thirty bucks a month for the damn satellite what's-a-whosit, I can't even get the damn game! Now you tell me, what's worse than that?”
Michael“Don't ever change Billy. Goldenface is going to blow up the NHL All Star Game tomorrow.”
“I see what you mean about problems. I know what'll cheer you up. That table of bachelorettes over there bought you this drink.”
Karen“Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?”
Karen: “Why are you singling my line out, like, a million years later?”
Michael“I'm too depressed to save the big game Billy.”
“I'm gonna cheer you up, the only ways I know hows. Hey kid! Hit G-9 on the Jukebox!”
Michael“No Billy, I haven't done that dance since my wife died.”
“There is a whole crowd of people out there, who need to learn, how to do The Scarn.”
Michael“Well my name's Michael Scarn and I'm here to say, I'm about to do The Scarn in a major way. You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn! You jump to the right and you shake a hand and you jump to the left and you shake that hand. You meet new friends, and tie that yarn, and that's how you do The Scarn!”
Todd Packer“If doing The Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on Earth!”
Jim Appreciates Michael's Confidence
► Watch on Prime ↗Jim“Sorry.”
Jim: “I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I think I was just relieved, to see that Michael Scarn got his confidence back.”
Kelly“Yeah Michael the movie is amazing!”
Deleted & additional lines
Kevin“It's like one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.”
Ryan“You should enter it in festivals!”
Kevin“Or carnivals!”
Michael“Well that's a... pretty good reaction. Pretty cool, right? Did you like it? Did you like that?”
Holly“Uh... which part?”
Michael“Okay. No, it's not good enough. It's not good enough...”
Andy“Some people are really popping on screen!”
Michael Argues With Holly
► Watch on Prime ↗Michael“Hey.”
Holly“Hey! Good movie.”
Michael“Mmmm, good? Everybody out there says it's great!”
Holly“I loved it.”
Michael“Did you? What did you love about it?”
Holly“Uhm, I loved that you got to work together with all your friends. Isn't that great when you can all work together like that?”
Michael“No, no. Holly, this isn't Ocean's Eleven, where you get together with all your friends and just have fun and don't care about how it turns out. What'd you really think, honestly.”
Holly“Uhm...”
Michael“Is it, is it because you're afraid of where this is gonna take me? See, because I need you... to keep me grounded.”
Holly“Not worried about that.”
Michael“It was eleven years, okay? This has been my dream for eleven years, and if you don't think it's great than you're basically saying that you don't believe in my dream.”
Holly“Wha- It's your dream and you never even mentioned it before!”
Michael“I talk about a lot of things, Holly! I was eventually gonna get around to my dream! Obviously! Eleven years I could've been working on the Scarn Nebulus.”
Holly“Well why do you have to make a movie at all?”
Michael“Because, if I don't have this, what do I have? I have nothing.”
Holly“Really, you can't think of anything else that you might have?”
Michael“I have my book on business, Somehow I Manage. I have my HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again dot-dot-dot. But you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, none of those things are as real to me as my movie.”
Holly“I'm real.”
Michael“Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass. And I'm gonna go watch the movie with people who think it's great! And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass, I'm angry, and I love you.”
Holly“I love you too.”
Michael“I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen Antz, but I'll tell you something. What I respect about that man, is that when he was going through all that stuff that came out in the press, about how Antz was just a rip-off of A Bug's Life, he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw which again was Antz. The thing is... I thought Bug's Life was better, much better. Than Ants. The point is, don't listen to your critics, listen to your fans.”
Michael: “Who likes Threat Level: Midnight? Okay then who wants to watch the rest?!”
“Michael! You have to get to that puck before halftime! Or the whole stadium will explode!”
Michael“I know, it's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on!”
“Cherokee Jack? Michael he died.”
Michael“This one's for you Cherokee Jack.”
Michael: “We filmed this during an actual Scranton High School Hockey Game, trying to qualify for states.”
Jim“That's fine, it's great!”
Michael“No, no! Actually it's really screwed up because they , they were trying to qualify, they were disqualified, they had to forfeit the game. Undefeated season. That's why there were so many people there.”
Pam“Why is your face gold?”
“Why do you care?”
Pam“I'm just making conversation.”
“I worked in a gold factory, we had a boss, who only cared about money...”
Michael Greets Someone Quietly
► Watch on Prime ↗Michael“Hey...”
Deleted & additional lines
Holly“Hey, I'm sorry. It is good.”
Michael“No it's not. It's not. But, they really seem to be enjoying it.”
“Please Goldenface, let us go!”
Michael“Cherokee Jack.”
“I want you to take all of your frustrations, with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.”
“Yah!”
“Hey! We got sports games again!”
“Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh-”
Michael“Some breakfast for me and some breakfast for you.”
Michael: “Oh yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot.”
Michael: “I'll get it! Man I love being retired! Scarn here!”
“Michael, it's the president.”
Michael“Hello sir.”
“I need you for another mission.”
Michael“Ugh... I'm in.”
Andy“Whoa Whoa Whoa! Isn't the president evil?”
Michael“Oh yeah! Yes he is!”
Dwight“No no, he's doing it to catch the president!”
Michael“No, no Dwight. He's just being stupid.”
“Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn. Well because I AM Michael Scarn.”
“Ahhhh, yeah! Threat Level Midnight! Makes all the girlies feel alright! From Madonna to Madelyn Allbrite, Threat Level Midnight! It's a threat, a level, a level level threat. He's the greatest hockey-star I ever seen yet. Threat Level what? Midnight! Threat Level who? Michael Scarn! Threat Level why? Apartheid! Gotta fight it, Free Mandela! Peace I'm out!”